The Exodus Read online

Nivian chewed on her lip. His voice nothing more than background noise to the sea of thoughts crashing like the waves of an ocean storm, swirling in chaos with no calm in sight.

  She’d been thinking of everything Caspian had told her over the past few hours. The longer she mulled over the details of the book she’d read, the more every detail of her life pushed its way forward, demanding her attention. The desire for the memories that she couldn’t recall. Could it be possible to regain them with the increased powers she would gain from her new position?

  A warm hand entwined itself with hers, dragging her from the abyss of her ceaseless thoughts. Kain smiled at her as he settled down on the concrete of his balcony next to her.

  Not knowing where to start, she gave him a half smile and lifted their hands to examine them. The fingers of her other hand traced over his, mesmerized by the feel of his skin. Perhaps she would start with the least complicated part.

  “It’s not important. It’s the last thing that should be on my mind.”

  “Is it bothering you?”

  “A little bit, yes.”

  “Then it is important, don’t discount your feelings just because life keeps throwing things at you.”

  Nivian sighed. “I still don’t have my memories back.”

  “I’m sure they’ll come back eventually. What did you do to get your…?” He paused at the mention of her death. It wasn’t a topic they spoke about much. If she ever brought it up, he would always shy away. “The other memories back.”

  “You,” she said simply.

  “Me? What do you mean?”

  “Spending time with you undid the block that was around those memories.”

  “And that’s all it took? Being around me?” Kain lifted a brow.

  She’d never planned to tell him that he was the cause; it made her feel horrible. But he’d asked and she didn’t want to lie to him. “Yes, though, I don’t know why. Silas never explained how, just that being near you reversed it.”

  “That’s great. Spend more time with me; they’ll come back in no time.”

  Nivian pulled away from him, pulling her hand away. “No, Kain, I can’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  Guilt flooded her as she watched the hurt and disappointment form on his face. “I can’t use you like that. It’s wrong. I want to spend time with you to just spend time with you. Having an ulterior motive like that…I couldn’t do it, you’re my friend Kain, not a thing for me to use to get what I want.”

  “You can’t think of it in those terms. I like being around you. Whether or not I can help you remember, I still want to spend time with you as much as possible.”

  “It still feels like I’m using you.”

  “If being around me can bring your memories back then that’s just an added bonus. Besides, I know how much it’s been weighing on you. If I can do this for you, then that just makes me happier.” Kain took both of her hands in his, swallowing them up in his grasp and making her feel small in comparison. “Do you want to spend time with me?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Then what’s holding you back? It can’t just be the fear of using me.”

  Was he right? Was there more to it? Nivian averted her gaze and dug deep. Her worry over using him didn’t have much of a foundation if he was happy to help if he could. All he wanted in return was to spend time together, and in truth, she wanted that as well.

  Missing memories haunted her. She wanted to know who she had been, what she had been like. Her favorite color, favorite food, place… person. Would they be the same now or completely different? Nivian knew nothing of her past life, nothing before the moment she began to die. In that moment, she’d been filled with hate, pain, and betrayal. The question of whether or not she’d been a good person was ever constant.

  Feeling betrayed by a Reaper, knowing she was a Hunter then. For all she knew, she had been a selfish person, or worse. Hunters and Reapers had never really worked together. The fact that she’d spent time with Caspian made her question if she’d been planning to betray her fellow Hunters, or if she had been using the man that had become one of her dearest friends.

  That was it.

  The deep-rooted fear that never wanted to show its face had finally come to the surface. Nivian didn’t know if she would hate who she used to be. She liked who she was now. If her subconscious hate of her former life could have been the catalyst to becoming who she was today, it would kill her. Most importantly, there was no way of knowing if it would change who she was now.

  “What if I get my memories back and I’m not the same anymore? What if this,” she pressed a hand to her chest, “isn’t who I used to be?”

  “It is who you are. You might remember who you were, but it won’t change anything. Your old life can’t take away the memories you’ve made, or who you’ve become. You will always be you.”

  “What if we weren’t meant to be like this?” she tried not to cringe at the way she referred to them, but she still hadn’t figured out what they were and hesitated to put a name to it that might be wrong.

  “But we are. We were always meant to be here, right now, in this moment. There is a reason you’re in my life, Nivian. A million things could have happened differently and we never would have met, but I wouldn’t change anything that’s led me here, not even for the world.”

  “Do you honestly believe that?” She looked up at him, meeting his rich green eyes.

  “Of course I do. You are still yourself—your past doesn’t define you. You can’t change what happened or if you’ll ever get your memories back. The only thing you can do is make new ones. Focus on the present and future. Your memories will either come back or they won’t, regardless of what you do.”

  Nivian sighed and leaned into him as he slipped an arm around her shoulders.

  “Can I tell you something?” Kain asked after a long silence.

  “Mmhmm,” she murmured, only then realizing her eyes had closed and she’d drifted into the beginnings of sleep, safe and comfortable in his arms.

  “I missed you those few days when we didn’t see each other. I’m not used to going a day without you anymore.” His voice was thick and low as he spoke.

  Nivian found her heart pick up pace with each syllable. The increased rhythm set her blood rushing up her neck to her cheeks.

  “I missed you too.” She was grateful that the dim lights hid her reaction at his admission and the one she spoke in return. Though she didn’t move to meet his gaze, admitting that to him sent a shiver coursing through her.

  “Let’s get you inside,” he said as he pulled away from her and stood, offering his hand. Nivian took it and let him lead her.

  Together they curled up on his couch underneath a plush blanket with a movie playing. She was too distracted by his presence to pay attention to the images flickering across the screen. Nivian tucked her feet under her and leaned into his side, the warmth of his body seeping into her.

  Kain entwined his fingers with hers and she could tell by the tilt of his head that he wasn’t paying attention to the movie either. He was staring at their hands.

  “What are we, Nivian?” Though they were soft, the words he spoke startled her.

  Pulling back, she searched his face. “You’re—”

  “I mean, to each other,” Kain clarified, seeming to know what her instinctual response would be.

  “I think,” Nivian started slowly, forcing herself to say the words. “I think we are friends,” she whispered. Her voice barely strong enough to be heard by her own ears. The strength of her voice catching on the uncertainty swirling inside her at that moment.

  She felt the need to say something more, but what? She couldn’t seem to form words from the feelings that raced through her. She’d spent so long just doing her job, feeling proud... Never much more than that. How could she possibly put a name to anything she couldn’t identify?

  Kain’s face fell almost imperceptibly. “Is that all I am to you?”

/>   She sighed, thinking of how to say what he was when she didn’t have the words for it herself. “I’m not sure. I think so, but it’s different.”

  “You’re not just a friend to me,” he said, thick with emotion. “I want you to be more to me, and I want to be more to you.”

  “You are more. I’m just not really sure how to explain it.”

  “You can take your time.”

  Chewing on her lip, she gave up trying to find the one word that she needed to express everything and instead searched for a way to explain what she did know. “I have friends, and I care for them all, but I could go weeks without seeing them. I think you are my friend, but with you… I don’t want to go that long before seeing you.” Nivian stopped speaking, though it felt as if she had left so much unsaid. Things she wanted to tell him.

  “Remember when we had pizza and I told you before that I wanted to be more than friends?”

  She nodded.

  “I still want that. Nivi, when you’re with me I feel whole. My entire life I’ve walked around knowing that something was missing, but with you, that feeling is gone.” Once more, with so few words, he’d made her heart drum frantically in her chest.

  “Isn’t it enough to be like this?”

  Kain frowned at her. “Right now it is, but it won’t always be. I care about you, and I will always want more.”

  “I don’t understand what it’s like. Reapers have friends, but even those are distant. We are never close. Not as close as I’ve been with you. I don’t know how to explain this.” Nivian shook her head and bit down hard on her lip.

  “That’s okay, you don’t always have to explain everything.” Kain was silent before he pulled her closer, snuggling deeper into her.

  “We are nothing... And everything. We can be anything you want to be. There are no rules for it. Whatever you want, just tell me and I’ll be happy to give it to you.”

  She swallowed hard. More than anything, Nivian wanted to explain it, wanted to name what it was. Nivian didn’t know what she’d expected him to say, but his words had given her more comfort than anything else could. If he’d simply defined what it was, she would have been fine with it, but this... this was so much better.

  It wasn’t just okay; it was perfect.

  It was fitting.

  Spending time with Kain had opened her eyes to the fact that her life had been missing so much. As full as it had seemed, she realized she had learned so little. Claiming to be fascinated with humans and the paths their lives took as it constantly changed through the decades, years, months, weeks, and days… she was ignorant of the reality of it, having only seen the shell, that in truth, didn’t even scratch the surface.

  Kain’s face softened as he watched her in the flickering blue light. He kissed her nose, her cheek, then paused as he pulled back slightly and looked into her eyes. Silence stretched out between them. Kain pulled her to him and she snuggled into his embrace. He let the topic drop as if he could sense the inner turmoil of her jumbled mind. Blindly, she stared ahead unseeing at the movie.

  Blinking, Nivian tried to recall where she was. A strong arm was around her waist holding her to a muscular body, pulling her closer when she shifted. She reached up, rubbed the sleep from her eyes, and looked into Kain’s peaceful face. A few strands of hair had fallen over his forehead, obscuring his eyes. His presence filled her with guilt over her lack of being able to say the things she felt.

  Blurred images and feelings lingered on her waking mind, but the harder she tried to understand the fragments she reached for nightly, the more fleeting they became until they vanished, leaving her with the quiet echoes of ghosts.

  She lay letting his warmth seep into her side. She didn’t remember falling asleep. The last thing Nivian could recall was watching some movie, but she must have passed out in the middle of it. There wasn’t much room on the couch and if she turned over, she’d find herself on the floor. Even with that, in the moment, it seemed infinitely more comfortable than her own bed.

  Pale light came through the window, signaling the break of dawn. It was like any other morning, but it sparked a sense of familiarity in her. The dreams she had were nothing but fog and color that refused to take shape. She couldn’t help but wonder if they were only dreams or if they were memories trying to break through whatever wall blocked them.

  Regardless of what Kain had said, it bothered her that his presence could bring them to the front of her mind. If only they would return on their own. As much as she longed to remember her past life, using him to gain them back made her stomach fill with lead and weighed heavy on her soul.

  She pulled away, slowly disengaging herself from his embrace. As she turned to go, she stopped at the feel of Kain’s fingers against her wrist.

  “Why don’t you stay?” His voice was groggy with sleep as he looked up through barely open lids.

  “Stay?”

  “Yeah, you’re here all the time anyway, you should just move in.”

  She reeled. Move in? She’d never lived with anyone before and wouldn’t know what to expect. It made her heart flutter with nerves and excitement along with the hope that he’d meant it.

  Kain sat up and tugged on her arm for her to sit next to him. “Sorry,” he said, still far from being fully awake. “I know that was sudden. But, I was thinking about it a lot after you fell asleep on me.”

  Nivian averted her eyes. “You want to live together?”

  He nodded. “You might as well live here,” he said with a lazy smile. “And, like I said last night, I miss you when you’re not around.”

  “What about your space?” she asked. Part of her was afraid he’d change his mind if she were too eager. The second the words left his mouth, the thought of being near him more excited her. It was strange and amplified her feelings, but she didn’t want to fight against it so hard. The universe was pulling her to him and for once, she didn’t want to pull away, but to go with the current and let it take her where it wanted. Before Kain had come into her life, she’d never understood the meaning of loneliness, but when he wasn’t near, emptiness had never felt so suffocating.

  “Nivi, I’m used to you being part of my space, there won’t be much of a difference. Only now, you won’t have to knock… as much. We can even get a bigger place, so we can have our own rooms if you want.”

  “You’re sure?” she asked uncertainly.

  “Yes, we can get another place and you can have your own room if you’d like.” Kain reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “So, will you stay?”

  “Yes,” she murmured.

  With that, he pulled her to him and leaned back. His arm wrapped around her, holding her against him as he buried his face in the crook between her neck and shoulder. She could feel the smile forming on his lips as they pressed into her skin.

  Within moments, he was asleep once more and she found herself succumbing to the weight of unconsciousness alongside him.

  Hours later, she woke, tangled in Kain’s limbs. For the first time, the scattered and blurred images were absent. The familiarity of pain that came from fighting to remember the impossible hadn’t plagued her.

  It was a relief upon waking up. Something she couldn’t remember happening in what seemed like far too long. Nivian snuggled in deeper, her hand resting on his chest.

  His hand snaked up and captured hers before moving up her arm and neck until he cupped her cheek. Tilting her head until she was looking up at him.

  “Morning,” he murmured, a large smile gracing his face.

  A feeling of peace flowed through her. Being in his arms felt right. Nivian let her eyes slide shut as he moved his lips down to hers and kissed her.

  EIGHTEEN

  CAMIRA

  REAPING HAD NEVER felt so invigorating. Camira felt uncontrollable laughter bubble up and escape. But she didn’t care. She felt invincible. Taking Star’s energy had been better than any mortal’s energy ever could be. Nothing in that desert city had ever revitalized her and ma
de her feel stronger than ever before. Not a million mortal life forces could equal anything close.

  Camira replayed the experience in her mind over and over. The shock on that snotty Reaper’s face. The way her body crumpled to the ground and faded out. The way her energy felt as Camira took it in.

  Afterward she had been surprised at her own actions, but that quickly faded in the wake of how easy it had been. Silas was wrong all these years. He should have been creating more useless Reapers like Star to be used as fodder. It would have saved them all so much work and probably even better in keeping the balance.

  She sat on a brick wall that surrounded the city’s fair grounds, her feet dangling off the edge and bouncing off with each swing of her legs. Camira couldn’t help the constant giggles.

  “You sound like a crazy person laughing like that.”

  Swinging her head around, Camira spotted the Hunter and glared. “What would you know?”

  “Enough to find you, apparently.”

  “For all I know, you’ve been searching since the last time we talked. I’m not impressed if that’s what you were expecting.”

  “You can believe what you want, it hardly changes anything. I know better than to expect more.”

  “Whatever. What do you want, Josh?” She was already bored of him. He’d been almost interesting the first time. But once she’d learned he was as harmless as an insect, there was little to hold her attention.

  Jack glowered at her. “You can get my name wrong, it doesn’t affect me.”

  “How special for you,” Camira quipped. “But are you going to tell me what you want or should I reap you now so you stop bothering me?”

  “And here I thought you wanted more power,” Jack turned his back on her and started walking away. “I guess I’ll go find that other Reaper and make her the offer. What was her name again? Nivian? She’ll probably want it.”

  Upon hearing her name, Camira instantly felt her blood boil. Nivian wouldn’t stop until she was invincible, it was up to her to put a stop to it and make her pay for her betrayal.